someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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