my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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