im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
