My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
