I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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