I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
