final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
