I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
