just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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