remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
