whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
