Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
