pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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