If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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