Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
