My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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