im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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