Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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