I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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