Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
