yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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