I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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