I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
