Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
