I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Randomize
