Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
