I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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