so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
