I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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