I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
