He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dignity is for republicans.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
