Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
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i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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