Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You can't special order awesome
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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