We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize