i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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