Capitaan dildo arrescate!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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