Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How's work?
Spinning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
