did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
