every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
