i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
