I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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