and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize