Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
