then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
