he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
