I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
