Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
