I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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