he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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