he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
