I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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