Can i not drive my cunt home
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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