I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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