Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
