Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
