cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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