he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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