Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
