went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
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They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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