My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
