So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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