I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
